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Story

The QUO Podcast: Ep 16 - Grief that speaks: peer support for motherless daughters

by Alexandra Havas

Stories/806 , Issues/Women , Issues/Mental Health

25th Jun 2021

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“How can we help a grieving person if the other person who is meant to listen won’t even give them five minutes of their own discomfort?” Tamsin Millard and Danielle Snelling talk about the power of peer support and the unique experience of processing complex grief as young motherless daughters.

When I was nine, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. For almost ten years, we thought she had beaten it but she eventually developed secondary breast cancer and passed away just a week after my 21^st birthday.

For over a decade, I didn’t connect with any other young women who had lost their mum so young. I still feel that talking openly about the severity of my ongoing grief outside of my immediate circle often causes discomfort and awkwardness to those who haven’t directly experienced that degree of loss.

I have a reccurring dream where mum is still alive and waking up on those days is difficult. So when I came across the podcast Not So Linear, featuring a young Brit living in Sydney called Tamsin Millard, I felt seen. She had lost her mum at 18 and was talking openly with the aim of normalising conversations around grief and loss.

“The problem is that people are scared because they feel uncomfortable. How can we help a grieving person if the other person who is meant to listen won’t even give them five minutes of their own discomfort?” says Tamsin.

Tamsin is sitting next to me at The QUO studio and it feels somewhat surreal to be having a conversation with another young woman who has such a similar lived experience. The conversation is flowing like we are close friends; we even just laughed because both of us used to sometimes pretend our mums were still alive to save acquaintances the awkwardness of not knowing how to respond. If it doesn’t sound funny from the outside, it’s because it’s an inside joke.

The Not So Linear podcast was borne of Tamsin’s desire to create something that provides people with support that they can access from the comfort of their own home.

“I’ve realised after my not so linear journey that the thing that holds people together is community,” says Tamsin.

Danielle Snelling is another young woman who has done something tangible and remarkable. She lost her mother to a rare form of gynaecological cancer at the age of 23. Determined to create a support system for women who had lost their mothers when she had none, she co-founded Motherless Daughters Australia, a not-for-profit that is dedicated to supporting women and girls who’ve lost their mothers.

“I am really lucky because I can say I had a mum who loved me unconditionally,” she says.

When Danielle’s mum passed away, she also yearned to get to know other young women who had also lost their mums young.

“I felt there was a gap in the support system specific to mother loss for women,” she says.

Through Motherless Daughters Australia, Danielle has forged a tight-knit community of friends, all of whom were women who lost their mothers young.

“We know that there are 3.7 million women who have lost their mum and 1.2 million women who lost their mum before they turned aged 44 as daughters. My goal is to reach every one of those so that they know that we exist when they need us,” she says.

Speaking to both Tamsin and Danielle was a profoundly cathartic experience for me, and one that reminds me of the importance of peer support networks.
“Why can’t we combine therapy and community together?” asks Tamsin.

Her positivity and resilience struck me as familiar, as I recognised the power of using humour to mitigate the heaviness of the grief both for myself and those around me.

“I think my grief has helped me to flourish,” she says.

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